Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
we're so committed to being not committed
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
