I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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