I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
