Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
