I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
