I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I wish my penis had an off switch
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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