too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
