Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize