I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
