There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
This house was built for laser tag.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize