it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
