i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
