Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
