I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
