The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
