Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
