I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
two words...techno handjob
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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