I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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