if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
