she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
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There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
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The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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