Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
even my farts smell like vagina
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
