Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
