u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
