hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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