because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
