Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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