FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
