I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
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i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
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She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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