Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Betty ford says i'm here all night
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
