community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
