yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
