I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
