Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
