so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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