You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
the day after is always just damage control
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
