First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
