my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
