3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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