I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You pole danced in your parka.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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