Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
