How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
