I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
