He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
