i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
