You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
