We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
