She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Is Oprah even human
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
