At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
