Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
