It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
