I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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