He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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