I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
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Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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