I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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