you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
