New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
