There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
