Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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