I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
