At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
