I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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