You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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