No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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