So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
someone threw a dead crab at me
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Please don't give away my fajitas
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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