Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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