I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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