i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
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He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
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Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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